what i actually said: i forgot

what my parents heard: i hate you and i am determined to fail at life, go to prison, and bring dishonor to this family. i care about nothing except my computer and tv shows and you can just go burn in hell for all i care. also i'm pregnant.


there should be an award for the people who

  • finish a whole tube of chap stick without losing it
  • finish the shampoo and conditioner at the same time

(Source: tensioned)


wanna make a secret handshake it involves us touching our mouths together for three hours


Pros of being gay: both you and your wife would get into the lifeboats on the titanic.